Bitter is for the Better

The past few months I've asked myself, wouldn't it be better just to be like everyone else? For a minute now I've craved to be detached, numb, and quite simply careless. Just having myself in a state where names of people and their recurrence in my life matter no more. I feel that today, this is the safest set of feelings to have and a position to hold when the cast and characters in your own little world are ever so changing. 

When you've been worn down and exhausted from all these emotions it's either you detach yourself to the point you're numb or you psycho analyze everything to the point you're bitter. I'm sadly at the point where I'm bitter, I'm working on it. It leads me to wonder do I go numb just to please others without my negativity or stay bitter so I can have some remembrance of emotions and passion. 

You don't just wake up one day and start to feel or believe this way. It's a series of disappointments and failures by people or situations around you that lead you to this sad point. This summer was one of the most loneliest I've experienced, but surprisingly not the saddest. It's just me coming to terms that instead of disappointing myself with expectations or even meager standards that no one seems to be able to meet anymore, and that I start to rely on myself to provide comfort and happiness. 

No person wants to be alone, let's be clear on that. However, when you see that the most basic expectations and minimum requests can never be met, it leads you to hardening that shell of yours and keeping others out. Detachment isn't cute, it strips away the joys and beautiful experiences from your life. We use it to cope. We also use it to shield ourselves from further pain and to avoid that constant rebuilding of trust. When you bring the walls down and for the wrong people you dig further into that self enclosing hole. 

Through these uncomfortable moments I've felt that I've been let down way too many times. I'm not a passive person by any means, but when I've come across to expressing these feelings or making my position known I've felt I've become a burden. When you get to a point that you feel that your vulnerability is a burden, you start to close off from your surroundings. You start to text less, disappear from social media, and never ever reach out first to anyone anymore. I find myself falling into this trap.