Just not that gay

I've come to the realization that I am only as gay as the kardashians are Armenian. To be apart of a specific cultural group one has to exemplify certain features or practices of a group. The kardashians might have the thick luscious hair along with the dark features of their heritage, however they lack the language and traditions of their ancestry and primarily their culture. Most importantly, for smaller ethnic groups, having the ability to speak the native language is the key to being identified as belonging to that culture. The language is the only thing that holds a diaspora close together over generations. The same can be said to an extent about Latin American youth growing up within very mainstream environments and not possessing Spanish speaking abilities. Through language is how their customs, traditions, and practices have transcended generations and preserved its uniqueness.

Being apart of any group whether a cultural or ethnic requires you to have certain features and behaviors along with practicing customs and traditions that have been passed down from generations. 

My sexuality or specifically, sexual orientation, might be borderline homosexual, but I don't feel like that's enough for me to be apart of a cultural group such as the LGBTQIA+. In the most blunt way possible, I don't believe being gay TODAY is solely dependent on merely just your homosexual attraction. Now don't get me wrong, you can't be a heterosexual and be apart of gay culture no matter how many rainbow colored accessories you possess. 

What I've realized over the past few years after becoming more and more submerged online with these platforms and being exposed to all the gay memes, traditions, cliques and customs is that I don't really belong to this culture. It's sort of led me to a identity crisis that I really didn't have growing up or being among heteros. This constant drift with not feeling a belonging of my place within the community has really pushed me to a point of distrust and isolation. As much as I have accepted others for being who they are I don't necessarily feel that has been the case for me. The realization is that my interests or behaviors are not the same as those that I've associated with as my kind. 

My wardrobe and outward appearance is very much traditional and masculine. I don't really find a desire to dress overly flamboyant or risqué, which this culture has appropriated as their own. I personally don't find that to be a problem for myself, however interactions with queer folk or gay presenting people have made me feel that my comfortability is not adequate enough for their cultural standards. Wardrobe and attire are a massive avenue of expression within the community which can at times prove nauseating as everyone becomes uniform. There is usually a lot of noise opposing conformity but quite ironically all it has done is to lead the cultural group to uniformity in regards to their fashion taste. 

Appearances are the first thing that come to mind when people come across each other. They are the first of impressions and for superficial beings tend to be the final judgement of character. However, appearances aren't the sole reason behind my sense of exclusion from this culture. The lack of common ground and differences of privilege have been critical components in reassessing my cultural identity and belonging. 

For starters, when you are masculine presenting or have grown up very stereotypically straight it's kind of a hurdle in being able to establish relations with those that grew up very queer. My queers/peers might have grown up playing with dolls (which is totally fine) but I grew up running on pavement and blasting soccer balls past my friends. To my surprise I really haven't come across many gays that have had similar pasts. To have some sort of belonging within a cultural group, the ways of life have to be some sort of similar. This background of mine has become an obstacle in trying to communicate with feminine beings and at times with the self proclaimed "masculine" men who only appear masculine from the outside and nothing further. 

Our differences are what make us unique, but they can also push us to be isolated and detached from those around us. The contrasting nature of behaviors from the community and mine have made my integration not very plausible or comfortable. I'm a person of many facets but I find it hard to associate or develop deeper connections with various kinds due to the queer presence only existing within spaces that enable binge drinking or a influence state. This conversation is not shifting towards the prevalent drug and alcohol use/abuse within this realm, it is more so highlighting that larger events where queer people come together are not possible without the inclusion of some substance. 

I personally don't find that spending hours upon hours in a week at clubs or bars is a healthy method of developing friendships and bonds. Knowing that my generation is particularly caught up in wasting away and drinking to the point of blacking out, I don't think this is an environment for queer unity or building each other up. It deepens the struggle of creating a comfortable environment for queer people to really explore themselves on a spiritual level amongst their peers. 

This excessive drinking and partying has become a main character trait of the community. A drink in a glass has somehow become worthy of posting and through that drink we have seen the promotion of one's active social life. We all know a fellow queer or two that can't seem to stop drinking or partying and that without clicking their story we already know what is going to be posted. I can't seem to live amongst those with such predictability.